10 Things Bookworms Do

Because they're true and because we all need a laugh

Listen, if you’re reading this, you’re probably a fellow bookworm. You can also call yourself a passionate reader or a book collector or whatever else you want. I remember I once tweeted that we should call ourselves booksharks because we’re always on the hunt for our next read. One lady yelled at me for trying to ruin reading with my “macho” bullshit, another woman said I was a misogynist, and some dude with a Japanese cartoon for a profile pic told me books are cringe. Anyway, books are awesome and if you want to be like those people, go ahead; I have a PhD in ignoring people.

On to the thing! Wrote this one a while ago for a place that’s no longer around. I was surprised that most of them didn’t even need to be updated. Hah.

- Constantly buy books

We buy books. We buy books all the time. We buy books when we don't have money for other things, and when we have money for other things, we buy more books than usual. We think in terms of buying books first and then about food, rent, and utilities. We buy books minutes after having to walk around stacks of unread books to leave the house. It doesn't matter that the apocalypse could come tomorrow and we could spend the rest of our lives reading and not run out of reading material. What matters is that we have books to read if we want to read them. We buy books because they are great and smell good and feel right and occupy empty space and they're our friends. Oh, and before you say anything, we also get books at the library and as gifts and give books a home when family members die or want to get rid of their old books. But yeah, most of us also buy a lot of books.

- Buy the same book more than once

Things I’ve said or heard people say/post on social media:

• "I don't have this edition."

• "This cover is too amazing to pass up."

• "I needed a signed copy."

• “(Insert author’s name) is my favorite , so I need a pristine copy on my shelves.”

• “Bro…sprayed edges!”

• "This is the one I had when I was a kid!"

• "This is only a dollar/two dollars/five dollars/twelve dollars/whatever amount of dollars!"

• "I might give it away to someone later."

• One I used this one to rationalize the purchase of a third edition of Langston Hughes' The Dream Keeper and Other Poems: "I have two editions already, but this one's illustrated!"

Bookworms will come up with amazing reasons why they "need" to buy a book they already have. On the other hand, we will also buy the same book twice by accident. Seriously, how many of you have preordered a book months in advance and forgotten about it and then bought it again? No judgements here, just letting you know I know, and it’s okay. Anyway, if you want to buy a book right now, I suggest Zero Saints and Coyote Songs because it was a small advance and earning out would be AWESOME. Hah.

- Judge people by their books/shelves

I know this one is tough to swallow. I also know some of you will debate that you're better human beings than me and you’re above and beyond judging others. Well, fuck it, I'm being honest here and being judgmental has kept me alive this far, so I'm gonna keep doing it. If you invite me to your house and give me a tour of it and I don't see a single book, I might bring up books and ask about your preference for ebooks or audio books or whatever. A house without books is like a body without a soul. If you do have some books, us bookworms will find a way to sniff them out and study them. Then, we will judge you. John Waters said, "If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them,” and I think most bookworms agree with that sentiment wholeheartedly. Likewise, we will probably change the way we feel about you based on the quality of the books on your shelves. For me, the books you own/read and the way you treat animals are the two factors that lie at the top of the list. You read good shit and you're good to animals, I already like you. Is this horrible? Yes. Is this unfair because "good books" is a subjective term? Yes. Does it matter? Nope. Will we change or stop doing it? No. Will some of us say something if you have books with AI covers? Definitely.

- Get excited about new books

We've had a bad day at work, but then we come home to a package. Inside that package is the new book we've been waiting for (maybe the one you preordered and forgot about!). Day made. The gloom that preceded the opening of that package disappears like morning fog once the sun comes out. We even get excited when a writer whose work we love announces a new book or shares a cover or drops a preorder link. Sure, it's months away, sometimes a year or more into the future, but we know about it now and we get excited about it now because books are awesome.

- Obsess about which books to take on a trip and then take too many

I sometimes bring less shirts than I'll need and I've had to wash my socks and hang them to dry on the curtain rod in hotels across the world, but I always bring great reading material with me, and plenty of it. Three day trip? I need at least eight or ten books because reasons. Normal people will bring their electronic reading device or a novel when they go on a trip, but some bookworms want the real thing all the time, so we bring half a dozen novels. We might bring something we're in the middle of and a few new books to crack open along the way. We are experts at airport survival. We don't watch movies on the airplane. We don't care if we're alone on the plane. We got books, so we're good.

- Keep books everywhere

This is not a joke; I really mean everywhere. I have books in the car, in my backpack, on top of every table, in the living room, on the floor, on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom, next to the bed, next to the sofa, in the shelves...you get the point. When we move, the books are a priority. When we clean, the books get cleaned first. When water is coming in under the door, we save the books first and fuck the furniture.

- We read everywhere and at any time

That's why we keep books everywhere. We read at home, in the car, in the bathroom, on the bus, on the train, while waiting for a doctor's appointment, while in line at the grocery store, at the bus stop, while waiting for the water to boil, etc. Hell, some bookworms even prepare a nice bath and read while half submerged in warm water. And we read at any time. It's never too early or too late to read. It's never too cold or too hot to read. We just read.

- Read various books simultaneously

Another tricky one. Some folks read two books at once. Some read five simultaneously. Some read ten because they like the constant shifting and enjoy variety and not getting tired of the same book. As a reviewer, I sometimes read 40 books at once. It's glorious. It's easy to see how the multiple-book mayhem happens. You're somewhere and someone whose opinion you respect recommends a book. That book is on your shelves or stacks, so you crack it open. The next day, there's a new novel you've been waiting for in the mailbox, so you immediately start reading it. If you're a bookworm, you've been there, and you know that, despite what some regular readers think, there's nothing special or particularly challenging about it. Just like you can watch a few different shows or talk to different people every day, you can switch between books all you want. Again, this one is tricky, but if you also happen to be a reviewer like me, then you’re always reading at least a dozen that are “for work.”

- Have a strange concept of time

Sometimes we think of time as pages or chapters. Other times, we completely lose track of it. You have to shower and get ready, but you want to read one more chapter. Congrats! An hour just went by and now you're late. Again. We've all been there. For bookworms, there are times in which a story overpowers everything else and holds us hostage for an inordinate amount of time. Read through the night and be tired at work? Sure. Be late to an event because we were reading? A bunch of times. Cancel something you didn't feel like doing because that novel is just so damn good? Yup.

- Get passionate about books

Bookworms are usually passionate people. I didn't say loud, I said passionate. Talk to one of us about reading, our favorite authors, or anything else having to do with books, and you'll see what I mean. Passion also translates into the ability to academically deconstruct a narrative in order to discuss it...and then turn around and have a screaming match about how people who refuse to use bookmarks and instead bend the cover/pages back are monsters. We love books and we want others to love books as much as we do, and that's a good things because books and reading make the world a better, smarter place.