Halloween costumes for writers

or, you know, people in publishing

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you’re all doing well. I spent about a month on the road, including almost two weeks in France and…I can’t write about it yet. I wanted to write about France the day after getting back, but I couldn’t. Then…well, it became a thing. I was sick and had the post-France blues and I was behind on everything. You get the point. Anyway, that post is coming, along with a bunch of photos. But this one isn’t about that. No, this one is about Halloween costumes.

I have written several pieces like this one, so this one is, in a way, a “best of.” Hope one of these appeals to you:

1. The ghost of a dead manuscript

The idea seemed good, but it wasn't. You started writing...and soon saw the holes, the weaknesses, the chasms too wide to cross. The manuscript died. The story ceased to be. Oh, but its ghost lingers. You think about it from time to time. The promise of what could've been haunts you. Now you can be it. All you need is a white sheet. Cut holes for the eyes. Make sure the top falls over your head. If there's anything resembling a point, iron it out. This isn't the time for unclear messages.

2. Predatory publication/publisher

Dress like you usually do, but whenever someone talks to you, put out your hand and say, "There's a $3 listening fee."

3. Writer who says they only care about the quality of the story and not the sex, gender, sexual orientation, or race of the writer

Put on a Confederate flag t-shirt, some jeans, and carry around half a dozen books by straight white dudes (most, if not all, should be dead). Whenever someone says "Read diverse books," or "We need more diversity in publishing," start screaming about how LGBTQ+ writers, poor writers, and writers of color just need to write better stories if they want more attention.

4. Very Important NYC Agent

Just don't show up to the party. You’re not looking for new writers anyway. Ignore every text, call, email, and knock at your door.

5. Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day

Wear purple pants, a green or yellow shirt, a Viking hat, one tennis shoe, and one sandal. When folks ask who you are, answer in English, Russian, and French. Pretend to fly around the room, but mention you're flying under the sand. Be the last person to leave, and make sure you confuse the fuck out of everyone.

6. Writer who just landed an agent

This is a good one if you want to dress up along with your partner. One of you can be the agent and the other one can be the writer. To be the writer, dress like you normally do but start every conversation with, "Well, my agent..."

7. An MFA instructor who doesn't sleep with his students

Dress as yourself and be a decent human being.

8. English/Writing lecturer

Jeans and a really old coat. Scarf is up to you. Disheveled hair. Look hungry as fuck and eat everything at the party. Drink as much as you can because who can afford booze? Remind everyone that you published a novel a couple of years ago and whisper something about not having any benefits and getting paid shit. Yeah, this is a sad costume.

9. A writer on a Zoom reading/meeting/interview

Take a photo of your bookshelves, blow it up, and print it out. Attach it to a stick and then put the stick on a harness so that the image is always your background. Smile sadly, nod from time to time, do your thing.

10. Unfinished manuscript

Put on pants and a shirt you were ready to throw out and then cut holes in them. Wear only one shoe. Don't comb your hair or wear makeup; you are, after all, unedited. Stand behind people quietly, but demand attention with your eyes, you damn pain in the neck.